Being single is hard. You feel lonely and you may still be hurting over your last relationship. During this time it’s not uncommon to want to quickly start dating again and jump right back into a relationship. Or, at the very least meet someone who will distract you from the pain.
You’ve probably started setting up online dating profiles on every site and locking eyes with every cute guy you walk past to increase your chances of getting with someone. The truth is this strategy is only temporary if you’re not truly ready.
Before you allow yourself to be vulnerable again you need to make sure you are healing well and pulled together. To do that there are some core things I want to challenge you to really hone in on.
Even if you’re not hurting, and you just want to be in a relationship this is still applicable.
If you focus on the things I’m going to talk about before you start dating again it will enable you to attract the love of your life and it’ll help you avoid making mistakes you made in previous relationships.
2 Important Things You Need to Focus on Before You Start Dating Again
1. Learn more about why your last 3 relationships failed – Do this to help you identify negative patterns
Figure out what attracted you to the guys in your past. Do you notice a pattern in the ending results?
I recommend creating a pros and cons list for each of the last three guys you dated. During this process look for patterns and similarities.
This is going to help you identify things you may be attracted to but don’t work for you. You need to know what those things are before you start dating again.
Before you start your lists I would actually recommend watching the video below. It’s going to set a light bulb off and you will realize things about yourself in regards to relationships that you never knew. Seriously, this video is life changing.
2. Refocus on your core values
Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that go completely against what we believe in.
This usually happens because we gave in to an impulsive submission to pleasure or we settled because they were attractive and we didn’t want to be alone.
Once the infatuation stage fades we realize what is true. Our blinders are removed, logic kicks in, and then problems start to rise. It becomes clear that we’re unequally yoked and unhappy.
All because we didn’t control our impulses and we chose to set aside our values for a fantasy fairytale, lust/passion, or because they wanted us and we subconsciously didn’t believe we deserved more.
Before you start dating, and especially before you commit to a relationship, it’s important that you get a clear understanding of what you believe and what your core values are.
Understand that your value system is what you should allow to drive you, and what every decision you make should be filtered through – especially when it comes to your love life.
What defines your values? Why are they so important in regards to dating and relationships?
- Your faith – When I say faith I mean your belief or nonbelief in a higher power.
Earlier I mentioned being unequally yoked, that means you and the person you’re with have conflicting beliefs and mentalities around your faith and or lifestyle.
For example, my mom is a Christian and my dad isn’t. When they were married I remember my mom basically begging my dad to come to church with us at times. She would go every single Sunday and my dad would give in and go with us maybe once a year. That alone broke my mother’s heart and divided them.
When my parents met they weren’t grounded in their faith so they were attracted to each other for reasons that faded and reasons that weren’t connected to their value system.
This is why I stress the importance of the faith aspect of your value system so much.
- Your tribe – Who are the most important people in your life? Refocus on the people you desire the strongest connection with.
The thing that makes us feel the most alive, happy, and love is connecting with other people. We all want to be heard, accepted and understood.
Identify the people you relate most to and build stronger relationships with them before you decide to start dating again.
I think this value is one of the most underestimated ones in regards to importance. However, I think it is so important to know who your tribe is before you start dating and that you date men who fit into your tribe and you into theirs.
Not liking or getting along with the people your significant other cares about can become a big problem down the road and could also be the reason your relationship fails.
Although, having a tribe (friendships and family you’re close to) is not apart of everyone’s value system.
At the same time, you still need to keep it in mind because who we attract and who we connect with says a lot about who we are.
- Your lifestyle – Which includes: Health, occupation, hobbies, where you want to live, and your finances
The lifestyle value is typically where people have the most conflict. It’s so important to be living out the lifestyle you truly desire or at least be headed in the direction before dating.
You want to attract someone who is accepting of your ideal lifestyle and wants to join it with you.
How to refocus on your values
1. Faith: Join a community around your faith and incorporate something faith-oriented into your daily routine.
2. Your Tribe: Do something small and special for someone you care about monthly or however often you want.
You could also do something like hosting a dinner or brunch every other weekend and invite the special people in your life over to enjoy. I recommend scheduling this in advance and setting alarms for yourself so you won’t forget.
3. Lifestyle: Since I listed 5 aspects of the lifestyle value I’ve broken down each point below.
- Health – What are your body and diet goals? Are you thinking paleo or vegan? Is there something you want to take out of your diet? Do you want to work out daily?
Set some rules for yourself around your health values and commit to them. Set motivational reminders for yourself, get a workout buddy, and create a recipe book (or use Pinterest) to make your new diet fun and delicious.
Have this in place before you start dating to ensure you are looking and feeling healthy and so that you attract someone who wants to share a healthy lifestyle with you.
- Occupation – Are you happy with your current job? Have you discovered your purpose? Check out my post on How to Discover Your Life’s Purpose for some helpful advice on this.
Your occupation determines what type of lifestyle you’ll be able to afford and how happy you are. If you’re unhappy with what you’re doing for work now is the time to explore your options and start doing what you love.
- Hobbies – Sometimes a hobby we love is deeply a part of who we are.
Our hobbies allow us to express ourselves in a unique way that is satisfying and exhilarating – they give us some of our confidence.
This is why I’ve put it in the value category. To refocus on your hobbies start doing them again. Even if it’s just once a month.
It’s really important to spend time expressing yourself and putting energy into things that bring you joy.
- Where you want to live – For some of us this may not be a value but for many it is. Sometimes where you want to live can break a relationship if both people aren’t on the same page.
So figure out where you want to settle down and if it’s something you’re willing to budge on.
- Finances – Set values around your finances and create a concrete budget for yourself if you haven’t already. Do you want to invest in real estate, cryptocurrency, or the stock market? Get yourself together financially and stick to it.
Refocusing on your values is going to prepare you for the person you’re supposed to be with and you’ll be able to date with more confidence and discernment.
I know some people may not think all of this is necessary but I can assure you it is. If you’re looking for something long-term and fulfilling focusing on what I’ve talked about in this article is going to help you attract the right man for you and it’s going to save you a lot of time and heartache.
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Founder, Alex In The Sun
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